I am so proud of us.
We went through so much together.
The shedding of layers of sexual shame.
But in the end, no matter how much we tried, (and Lord knows we tried) to make it work FOREVER it has come to this...
Honestly I feel like I am dying. I DON'T want to be here. I DON'T want to be feeling what I am feeling. I DON'T want this truth to be MY truth.
But I feel like I am going to DIE from anxiety if I don't HONOR, FULLY HONOR, what my TRUTH is. I just cannot push it down anymore, no matter HOW HARD I WANT TO.
My heart is breaking into 3 billion pieces as I write this. I wish I was writing my vows to you instead. But I am not.
Instead, Miguel, my ANGEL, I am prayerfully and lovingly trying to surrender and let our relationship go. In other words, I am trying to FUCKING LET YOU GO.
Because, even though I DON'T want this to be my truth, a deep ping of pain in my gut has been there all along and it has now turned into a BIG something I cannot push down anymore no matter how much I want it to NOT BE TRUE.
Miguel, as much as I ADORE the fuck out of you and DON'T want to let you go, I know I HAVE to. For you. For me. For us. For others.
With EVERYTHING that I AM, I tried to stay. I meant it when I said I would like to create a baby with YOU. I meant it when I asked you to get me pregnant. I loved calling you my husband and hearing you call me your wife. But I also know I can't do the back and forth thing anymore to you, to me and to anyone else.
I think the way you release a relationship is just as important as the way you start one. So I am PRAYING, Miguel, that we can release this relationship MORE beautifully and gracefully and lovingly than it started. Seeing it from a broader perspective. Owning our pieces. Holding each other as we cry, hug, hold each other and slowly release. Allowing all the emotions to come to the surface and witnessing and holding each other steadfastly through them. Maybe having delicious break-up sex and REALLY truly savoring every second together.⠀Because it is time to really let go this time. ⠀
I want our releasing to be a testament to our love. Miguel, you have risen so POWERFULLY to become the Warrior-King that you are. OMG! It is beautiful to witness you get stronger, healthier and even more glorious than you already were. And because of YOU I have risen to become more of an EMBODIED QUEEN ready to really come ALIVE and break out of my shell to wholeness. We helped each other get here. But now I see, even though I am so afraid, thst we must move about the world in our new roles and open the space for the next mission we will be guided to as the new people we have become.⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
I refuse to believe that letting go must come with resentment, bitterness, toxicity, and disconnection.
Instead, I command this end to be a testament to MORE LOVE than the world has ever seen as we both trust in the new space and separateness and awaken more to our sovereignty. ⠀I command that we will be able to be the best of friends and music partners.
Ugh. Why? Why is this happening? Why have I met you and loved you so INTENSELY and THIS deeply? Why be with someone so magnificent, so beautiful, so creative, so loving, so PERFECT for you ... and yet still know it’s not the time, or the place, or the moment to continue on.
Why this pain in my gut? Why this feeling that it's not totally right? Even though SO MUCH feels SO TOTALLY RIGHT?
Fuck! Instead of “trying to figure it out” some more ... and prolong the inevitable ... it’s simply time to listen and LET GO.
Miguel, I am so scared. I am scared I'll miss you every minute and regret letting you go for the rest of my life. I am scared I will hate myself for NOT being able to STAY with you. I am scared I will never find another man that comes even remotely close to you and MOST OF ALL, I am afraid of seeing you move on.
But, I want to want you to be happy. Isn't that what love is? Miguel, I want to want to see you with a woman that NEVER DOUBTS her love for you. I want you to be with a woman that NEVER goes back and forth. I want to see you loved the way you deserve. A RECIPROCAL love. A love I just simply could not give you - even though I tried SO HARD and wanted to. AND MIGUEL, YOU ALSO KNOW, I TRULY DID and DO LOVE YOU! SO much. So much, so deep, so true.
I want to be proud of us. For the way we ended things and moved on lovingly. For loving each other through it. For surrendering. For trusting life through it. For honoring each other. For the deep gratitude we have for each other and what we learned through our union. For the music and creativity we will share about our love. ⠀For our lifelong friendship and for all the memories. ⠀⠀⠀⠀
The way we have grown together is profound. Lets never forget this. We are so similar and have shared SO MUCH. You are my angel. The level of consciousness in our relationship blows me away. The healing we have experienced mentally, spiritually and sexually blows my mind.
Miguel... I will miss EVERYTHING about you. Sleeping next to you. Waking up with you. The koala hugs and kisses. Your masterful building hands. The ropes and chains. The lace underwear going up and then down and then up again. Halloween night. The laughs and all the showers of kisses. The shared bowls of ice cream. The yoga. The bike rides. Our songs. Metanoia. The delicious sex. Brushing our teeth together. Having my ass smacked by you.
The way you devour me. The way you look at me so lovingly. All the nicknames like Nena and hermosa. Your infectious smile. Speaking spanish with you. Your constant support of my dreams. Sharing meals together. Your gratitude for all the meals I make you. Your amazing hair. Your body. Your skin. Your bum. Your muscles and chest. Your delicious cock. The beautiful trip to San Diego. Our trip to Tahoe. JUST EVERYTHING. EVERYTHING I did not mention. EVERYTHING we went through. And of course, the purple heart tree - a moment in time - and a forever seal of our love. ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
The love, presence, beauty, acceptance, devotion, loyalty and consciousness you consistently offered me in the last year could fill this whole world with light. Miguel, you are a light forever etched into my soul. And I know or at least I want to believe: this ending is our best beginning. Our love is not ending. It’s simply changing form and YOU WILL ALWAYS LIVE IN MY HEART and BE THE BIGGEST PART OF ME. Thank you for loving me until I could fly. Now it's time for us to fly away.
Your forever ally,